If only you knew…

Hi guys!

 So my blog has been a bit on the quiet side these past few months so I could try and figure myself out regards to my health, both mentally and physically. Right now…. 

I’M NOT OKAY! 

Honestly, I actually feel a lot worse now than what I did a few months ago. My anxiety is going through the roof everytime I think about leaving Damon to return to work, I thought if I could talk to a professional and in my case it was one of my health visitors, that she could point me into the right direction of what I can do that it could make me feel a bit better and at ease. Nope! Instead all I got was the blame.

 The blame because Damon refuses to settle without anyone else but me. 

The blame because I haven’t tried hard enough to allow other people to look after him even when I know they would disrespect my parenting choice of not leaving him to cry on his own, but to give him cuddles reassuring  him that someone will always come if he needs us. 

The blame for not wasting my Saturdays aimlessly wandering around so that Damon is alone with his daddy to “bond” and to push myself being away from him

The blame for Damon not finding comfort of drinking/ taking milk from someone other than me

The blame for Damon not wanting anything else as a comforter other than my boobies

If only she knew what I had to put up with as I was a child being emotionally, physically and mentally abused by the very woman who brought me into this world. 

If only she knew that I was bullied every day at school because I reeked of cigarette smoke because the woman that brought me into this world was a chain smoker and because I have really greasy hair that I weren’t allowed to wash apart from weekends when I went to my grandparents. 

If only she knew that I was kicked out of my home at 16 because the woman who brought me into this world never wanted me. She never loved me. She hated the fact I miscarried her first grandchild on my 16th birthday. She only used me as a pawn to get at my family. She only used me to be her slave to do things around the house, so that she didn’t have to

The things I went through as a child has moulded me into who I  am today, I NEVER want to be like that monster who didn’t love her child, who made her child feel like that they are worthless and unwanted and I NEVER want him to feel the pain that I did as a child

I WANT to have him feel loved

I WANT him to never feel or be alone

I WANT him to know I’m going to be there for him

For me, these are invisible scars that run so deep, they will never fade away. 

My mental health is invisible, just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean its not there! 

These 3 images I found on Facebook